Saturday, July 28, 2007
fated by ayumi hamasaki
Do you believe in fate --
A momentary encounter
That changes everything in your life
Before that?
We notice it the moment our eyes meet someone's
We come to feel it sure in contacting with him or her
But then once
We feel weak in the knees
The wind strokes my cheeks and makes me feel real
Whispering softly
That this is not an illusion at all
I've been thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I've been thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
But the person before my eyes is
You see? No one else but you
Where does this road lead to
And how does it continue?
Even if I imagine them
It's of course that I have no clue
I feel the more I wish to be strong
The weaker my heart becomes
In inverse proportion
I shouted your name in tears
I wished I wouldn't wake up, if it were a dream
Ah, the person before my eyes was
You see? No one else but you
The wind strokes my cheeks and makes me feel real
Whispering softly
That this is not an illusion at all
If only I had deserved your love
As many as the times you said you loved me
If only I had loved you
As many as the times I said I loved you
I gave up, thinking that I couldn't reach your voice
I gave up, thinking that this dream wouldn't come true
You see? Though the person before my eyes was
The real you
_____
goodness ayu... i didn't even know you were relating...
Saturday, July 28, 2007 at 11:03 a.m.
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Monday, April 23, 2007
Venting
I'm getting very irritated. The way I see the world isn't the same as everyone else. I want to be a good person and I'm really trying, but I'm beginning to feel it needs to be a team effort. I'm very empathic so my emotions go with the flow, but my struggle to be a better person completely confuses my train of thought. Even though I have so much to say and I want to tell everyone, I have to keep my mouth shut so I can stay on the right path. People say it's okay to vent and I completely agree. But what's considered venting... and what's considered complaining? When you're getting things off your chest, can't it also sound hurtful to the others around you? That's why you can talk with someone in secret, but can't talk with the people directly involved in the situation. Sounds a bit hypocritical with this entry doesn't it?
I want to "vent" but can't find the proper words. I won't write about my situation here because I tend to sound like I'm complaining when venting in a blog. Like I said, I need to keep my eggs in one basket and just talk with one person. I'm in desperate need of a phone call right now...
Monday, April 23, 2007 at 11:20 p.m.
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Thursday, April 19, 2007
Work and Home
I've started working at Great America for about a week now and I must say that it is a fun job. Don't get me wrong though, it's a job so it's hard work, but it's fun too! I work in the Foods Department for Great America so there's always a lot to do every day. I think I'm horrible at my job but it's a learning experience so the more I work the better I do. The people there are great too. I think they know I suck but they put up with me. xD I guess they figured I'm starting so I'll get better. Cross your fingers everyone! Ganbatte Ikimas...shoi!
My mom broke her ankle. She's been home this whole week, but she's been working as if she isn't on sick leave. Of course we've all done more to help around the house (my auntie even came to clean our house), but my mom still wants to work. It's not in her to do to nothing, but she should learn to rest. Today and yesterday she's finally doing that. Of course we are asked to do a lot more, and I guess it's getting to me. So I'm treating this as a test. If I can hold my temper during this then that will be a big step!
p.s. I haven't stuck to my commitments (obviously). This week I had no work, so I did a bit of drawing and music, but I've been resting more I think. I'll need to learn to balance work and play better. I can't just drop one when I'm doing the other...
Thursday, April 19, 2007 at 11:07 a.m.
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Thursday, April 12, 2007
I need the new Harry Potter book for the twins
I haven't typed in a while. The funny thing is that out of all the times I could've written, the times I didn't write were the times I had the most going on. I guess that's the reason I didn't write... right? I was too busy? No! I cannot give an excuse. No matter how true I think it is, an excuse is an excuse. Well back to the writing. A lot has happened. I feel that when you don't write, Fate gives you a lot more to write about. And the more you get the more you want to write. So here I am! Ready to write.
The first thing I'll write about is my job. After getting the job at Great America, I finally got a call for my schedule this week. They actually had me down for past days, but I never got the call and so I never knew when to work. I called to follow up and even went to GA only to find out that I've missed a few days. When I finally went to work, my first day experience wasn't too bad. I work in the foods section at GA (Food Festival to be more specific) and was expecting to be cooking and whatnot, but thankfully it's not that. My first day was spent sweeping the patio and keeping it clean...
~stopping for now because me and my mom are going to finish watching The Devil Wears Prada. I'll continue another time because I'm probably going to sleep after the movie. I'll be working tomorrow but hopefully I'll finish this soon~
p.s. for the "I'm probably going to sleep" sentence, I wrote "sing" instead of "sleep". That's how singy I am. =P
Thursday, April 12, 2007 at 09:05 p.m.
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Thursday, April 5, 2007
Scatter-thoughts
I've gotten Dara to play Mario Party with my sister and I, it was even more fun than the last time with just my sister! Before we played though, my sister and I were playing Tony Hawk's American Wasteland. Then Dara asked for my controller and they started to play. Dara said I was the one getting bored, but I honestly thought it was just as fun to watch. I think the group setting trumps the actual playing the game for me. Well Dara got bored even as he was playing Tony Hawk so we decided to move on to Mario Party. The one thing I like about Mario Party is that it evens out the playing field between serious gamers and light players. I think I'm a pretty decent player, so you'd figure I'd have no problem against my sister who rarely plays video games. Well she won... WON the game! I won in all the mini-games, but my sister focused more on getting coins and stars. She collected so many coins and was able to steal a star (50 coins) while still having enough to buy one. So even if I beat everyone in the mini-games, my money wasn't enough to keep up with my sister. Pretty cool if you asked me. Although she said she didn't care about winning because she'd rather win in the mini-games than the whole game overall. Funny because I'd rather win the whole game than win in the mini-games...
Lent is almost over! I am looking forward to this weekend. I will be taking my first bite of meat on Sunday! I'm so excited. I've been eating fish, fish fillets burgers, tuna sandwiches, spinach pizza, ICE CREAM, COOKIES, APPLE CAKE, sushi, shrimp tempura, and some shrimp Italian pasta thing. I swear I've gained wait over lent. My appetite for carbs was really strong this time and I ate so much of all the capitalized sweets. Well I can't wait... the cool thing is that it all ends on Easter. In the religious sense it's a happy ending to all the chaos during Lent, but I also like to think that it's a celebration for me. Everyone is gathering to celebrate my first bite of meat in 40 days! A whole party for me... although I've always wondered why we go egg hunting at my party, I've never requested that. =P And everyone can think the same way as well because I'll be there for them too! So if you gave up something I will say congratulations to you on Sunday!
m-flo's new album COSMICOLOR is really amazing. All the songs are so great. They are all dance tracks, but to call them by that word is a big understatement. There are tracks with definite hip-hop influences, some with a bit of Latin flavor, and a lot with retro orchestral coolness! Think of a club remix on that one part in Kill Bill where California Mountain Snake goes to kill the Black Mamba while she's in a coma, and she has the nurse's outfit and all. Wow I think I need to re-watch Kill Bill if I can't even remember their names now. Well that's how it sounds like, but turned dance. Another thing is that you can notice what genres the songs take from, but they all perfectly suit this album. If you can successfully mix several genres together then what you've got is perfect segways from one song to the other. It's really a great album. And here I was supposed to type about how it made me want to remix more again. Well I guess it's just a review.
I've given the JEWEL sheet to Amelia and another person online. Amelia said it sounds like the original and the other person is happy to get it as well, so I'm really grateful that they like it so far. This has inspired me to finish other sheets (like teddy bear). The person I sent it to online also is waiting for me to email him/her when the site is done so I'm glad I'm ensured one visitor right now hehe. This really makes me want to finish the site more. I have Photoshop open right now and will try to get SOMETHING done.
I think I've figured the problem with why I'm not finishing things as fast as I should be. Did you get the hint in the title? How bout this blog entry? Or how bout noticing it way before this entry in all the other long rambles I called entries before? xD Here's the thing. I perfectly define the number 3
If you didn't click on it then I'll touch on a few things in the entry. First let's go with the reason I enjoyed sitting and watching other people play...
"The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people."
I think my craving for playing video games with people is another way of me wanting to spend time with people. If it wasn't for my sister and Dara I really was about to post an entry asking anyone to come play video games with me haha. I'm still craving a bit more though. I want to go out with someone and have a good time. I'm happy by myself at home, but it wouldn't hurt to go outside once in a while.
Now the next paragraph talks of my sensitive side...
"There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions."
When I read this I instantly thought of all my grudges in the past. I bet I've gave more people the silent treatment than anyone else. I'm glad though that they don't last long. At first when I begin to talk to someone for a long time, I feel frustrated that I wasn't able to keep from talking to them for longer. Usually I end up talking to someone because I have to and I need something from them, but then it goes back to normal and I just talk with them casually. Even if I'm frustrated at first, in the end the result makes me happy. I'm glad I can have a conversation with one more person!
Now the last part is the main topic of this entry...
"Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.
For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic."
This gives much explanation to past and present events. I think the whole paragraph is true, but I want to just talk about the scattering part. I really need to focus. I don't know how though. I think I've placed myself in so many different projects that I can't focus on one. They're all projects on my laptop and so the moment I wake up I have too many things to choose from. I'm sure there are people that can handle this but for me I have a lot of trouble with juggling things. They're all right here and so if I get bored with one, I just close the program and open another. I make small steps that don't really take me anywhere...
I don't know... this will need further study =P but for now it's time to close Photoshop and open Acid xD...
Thursday, April 5, 2007 at 10:00 p.m. |
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
yin, yang, WINNING!
My sister and I played Mario Party... 5? It was really fun. We only set the turns to 10 moves since 20 would've been too long at around 2 in the morning. It was the first time we played on teams too! I didn't know you could do that on Mario Party until yesterday! Well we did good! we won of course hehe. At first we weren't doing too well and it put a big blow to me talking big at the beginning, but we really started to work well towards the end. The last spurt is what counts right? I think it was when we started sharing our items and we really worked together. It was funny because towards the end I wasn't talking smack because of our losing streak, but my sister was getting a bit into it because we were winning! Complete opposites hehe. At the end were the bonus rounds and we each won a bonus star. My sister won the bonus star for winning the most mini-games, and I won the bonus star for collecting the most money (but also lost the most money too XD). No one landed on a "?" mark so no one got the Happening Star award for that. So even though we were losing the whole way, we got a big payoff in the end. Hmmm... let's hope this is alluding to what's come in real life right? ^__^
Wednesday, April 4, 2007 at 02:26 p.m.
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Monday, April 2, 2007
A Ramble on Arguments/Divorce
I was flipping through the channels when I came across this one show that was discussing parenting. The host brought up this one case in which the parents would never get into fights in front of the children. She said they would go to the restaurant nearby and talk it out over there. Then she directed the issue to the others and asked what they thought of this situation. Many responded by saying although they had the right idea in mind, in the end they aren't helping the children. When the child grows up and is faced with his own problems with his relationships, he won't know how to go about solving them with his significant other. In the end it's better for them to witness their argument because it will help them with there own, and I will have to agree with this.
Being Left Out
I remember as a kid before my parents got divorced, we would rarely hear them in a fight, but we knew it was because they were trying to hide it. It was really sad especially when they started going to court for the divorce. We'd go with them, but we're left outside of the room with our aunt. I knew they were fighting, but I didn't think it was too serious. Just a change in scenery. So when they decided to split I was still really surprised. If they had been open about their arguments then I could have been less hurt by the divorce. And I would try to get them to be more open. When they left me out I in turn felt left out. Even though I was still little, I would always want to help them and would go ask why they are fighting. My parents of course would reply with, "We're not fighting, we're just arguing". I should've rephrased my question to why were they arguing but never thought to do so. I guess they think that a child can't do anything in a parent's fight right? That is where they're wrong.
They're your kids
If there's a person who should be of concern to the parents when they fight, it's definately the children. They should even be able to have a say. No matter how small I was, I would want to be included in matters that concern myself. As an adult you would never like to be the topic of a conversation and have no say to defend yourself right? Also, if it gets too serious, the parents would have to deal with the child living in two different homes, and then who's more hurt? Or even in my case where one is left to deal with the child as a single-parent.
It's "Healthier"
Like the show said, it's healthy for the children to witness arguments between parents. The parents are trying to teach them life lessons, but they are shielding them from important ones... communication and problem solving. If a child were to witness an argument, then they would also see how it is resolved. If I were to have kids, I would let them be there when we fight, and as a parent I may even be more cautious in my words knowing that my child is watching. If my kids were there during a fight, then we could really become a family and proberly discuss this problem at the table instead of at each other's throats. The show even says that the parents would go to a restaurant and talk it over. I would imagine they wouldn't fight in a public place, and it would have been a great learning experience for the kids to take part in working things out.
My thoughts are kinda scattered in this entry butt I guess what I'm trying to say is to include the children. I've always had this problem with no one listening and I feel it has the simplest solution. How hard is it to include someone in a conversation. It's worse to feel left out right?
And when it comes to divorce, I would have to say that there shouldn't be so many excuses for divorce. I think that parents should never divorce unless someone's got a drinking problem, someone's getting beat, or someone dies. Even if one of the parents has an affair, learn to forgive and move on. You get married for a reason and had to know things wouldn't be easy. I mean who gets married with confidence not knowing the divorce rate in America was so high? If you aren't willing to work for your marraige then you shouldn't get married. With so many divorces (and I'm sure for stupid reasons), what's the point of hyping up marraige as such a holy event?
Little segway here. People don't want gays and lesbians to be given the right to marrage because it's a holy sacrament between a man and a woman. Now, they don't have any experience to back up that they'll do a better job at marraige, but anyone should be given the chance to do it better than we currently are...
If you have a kid then you shouldn't even think of getting divorced either. You aren't a couple anymore, you're a family. No matter what happens between you two, you're there for the kid now not yourself. A lot of people (if not all) would disagree with me on this one. I have a lot of friends whose parents are still together that wish their parent would have gotten divorced. Even my sister says she's happy our parents divorced. I'm not a parent nor am I married yet, but when I achieve both I have to remember to be less selfish. Marriage is about giving up some of yourself for the other person and when you have a kid it means giving up what you have left for them and MORE. You wouldn't quit your job because you got tired, you're aware that the kid needs your job as well. So why would you quit your marraige if you know your child needs that too?
I'm stopping myself here. This was a true ramble. My ideas are completely all over the place and it seems I'm just saying them over and over again. Better to end awkwardly then to write 5 more paragraphs that lead nowhere. xP
Monday, April 2, 2007 at 04:32 p.m.
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Saturday, March 31, 2007
the color RED
I can't believe I forgot to go walking! I was so excited about waking up early that I forgot about going out if I did wake up early enough. Well... next time?
I signed off Trillian already but I also forgot to put these up. I was coloring the older boy picture even though it's not finished (just had an urge to use Photoshop) and halfway got fed up with how it was looking. The hair was really making me angry, the skin didn't have enough shading, and the eyes were a hopeless case. I know I can do better, but I think without my tablet I can't color properly (yes even the one I have now is broken). Also, keep in mind that I did this on my laptop so I was coloring using that touchpad thing... not fun! Well after giving up, I decided to just mess around with it. Kinda on accident I was using the color red and painted the whole thing red. Then weird ideas came about. Using the red to make a gradient on the lineart, putting the gradient onto the hair and making it look AWESOME, turning him into some male geisha xD.... Here are the two results. I couldn't think of a title so I just called it by what I thought looks the weirdest in the picture.
"it's just the red"
I figured the background looks a bit like blood and the eyes had a really scary glow, but it's just the red. Who knows, maybe he was just painting... and is also looking at really bright red headlights! And the hair, that's what was on the original, just the skin and the eyes were changed. It's supposed to be tied up from one side and hang down long and wavy on the other, but I'm starting to think it's impossible to have that much hair tied up by just using half on your head. Well he just has a lot of hair I guess. xD
"it's just the blindfold"
Yeah, that's some weird blindfold. I don't get it either haha. Once again experimented with the red color and here is where you can see the gradient I added. I also added a few paint strokes on the tips of the hair using the color of the eyes from the previous one! Even though the blindfold got the title, I like the hair most of all. With the hair all flat like that it looks really awesome, reminds me a bit of spraypaint? And I'm sure the blindfold has some symbolism but I never thought about it when I was coloring =P. And the hair again, with it being a gradient like that, it kinda reminded me of Samurai Champloo. He looks like a cross between Mugen and Jin. I guess more Mugen since most of the hair is split in favor to his side (look above) and the color of the picture is red than blue. The hair is a bit crazier than what it is on the show, but 1-it's not Samurai Champloo and even if it was then 2-you're hair would get pretty crazy if you were consumed in the spirit of Mugen haha. Okay this is a long ramble.
That's it! Please view the full size. I'll color it how it's supposed to be later one when it's actually done and I make serious lineart. I may need a new scanner too. The scanlines add texture here but that's not what I'd want in the final product.
I still have to post the sheet music. Well that will be another day. I have to wake up early since I'm hoping for guests to come visit me!
I really am a grandpa, right? Either than or a hermit who allows visitations. xD
Good night all!
Saturday, March 31, 2007 at 03:03 a.m.
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Friday, March 30, 2007
Early Bird
Yes! I woke up early today!
Now believe me... 1:00 IS early in my time, and it's about time I was able to do it. Well I guess it's because I didn't do much last night. I work best at night. The whole house gets so quiet, it seems that the whole house is my room. You know how you can feel yourself in your room? That's how it feels when everyone's asleep. BUT, last night I didn't do much. I think I gave myself more work to do. That's usually the case too. I always set the bar ultimately high and I never can make it. Well yesterday I was working on a remix, and I came up with too many ideas. In the end, I decided to split the remixes into 6 versions...
on the "single"
01 "Orchestra Version"
02 some trance remix?
03 soem distorted beat mix?
04 "Piano Version"
on the "album"
"Classical Version"
"Acoustic Version"
There's a long explanation to how I got all these versions for the same song, but it's very boring and too long for me to explain. So let's just say track 2 was already in mind, track 3 was thrown in for a kick, and the rest of the tracks all sprung off from the original "Acoustic Orchestra Version".
On a more relatable note, I don't know if I'm getting sick or not. This flem has made me lose my voice a little, but I haven't developed a cough or anything yet. I guess my predictions were wrong. I only wish that my voice wasn't so scratchy anymore. I haven't been able to do karaoke in a while haha. Yesterday I was trying to figure out if it was the food I ate. What foods increase the amount of flem in your throat? I was thinking sticky foods like pizza (I had a spinach one since I can't eat meat) and EasyMac so maybe I should stop eating those for a while. Well maybe tomorrow since today I only have the pizza to eat xP. Oh I also thought orange juice but I don't really know why.
That's it. Thought I'd say how cool it was to wake up a bit earlier than usual. I'll be uploading the artwork today and will put it up on the next post.
Friday, March 30, 2007 at 12:50 p.m.
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Everyone's Block
I have everyone's block! Well, you can exclude writers because I don't really do that xD. I open Acid and I can't mix anything new. I open photoshop but can't picture a good eternal-tie layout. I try to blog so much but I'm running low on ideas. I mean, I don't have a life outside this house right now so I've got to write on what I think. Ever since 1 Litre ended, I'm not thinking a lot anymore xP. Well let me focus on the art side of my block since that's what I'm trying to get out of right now...
How many days has it been since I last drew?... And I haven't come up with anything good. I didn't even finish those four drawings and I'm kinda sick of them right now. But, just because I haven't drawn doesn't mean I haven't attempted. For example, right now I'm at the kitchen table with all my drawing necessities around me. My laptop is hooked up to speakers playing beautiful Final Fantasy Piano Collections music, one of Firefoxe's tabs is set to DeviantArt, my drawing pad and supplies are to the right (since I'm taking a break to blog), and I have other art books to the left for further inspiration madness! I guess that's the point of having any kind of block right? You're stuck... and there's nothing you could do about it.
Maybe it's my environment. I'm definately the definition of a hermit. I haven't gone out in a while and since everyone is so busy around me, I pretty much am by myself the whole time. I haven't started working yet but I'm hoping that once I do it will make my life a little more interesting. I guess if I work in a fresh place I'll get fresh art (or just art since I'm not even getting rotten art right now =P). I should wake up early tomorrow, then I can take my drawing pad and go walking. If I find a good spot or come up with an idea along the way, I'll sit down and draw. I hope I don't get inspiration at a non-typical drawing place... like the canned foods section of Albertson's or something. If I don't come up with anything along the way, at least it would have been a good exercise and maybe the fresh air would have helped when I return home.
*sigh* So many "if"s. We'll see if I actually do something.
p.s. I'm still sick...
p.p.s. (is it p.p.s.? or p.s.s.... well pps is like ParaParaStage so I'm picking that one). I started this blog around ten last night as evident on the timestamp for Pitas entries goes by when you click to add an entry and not when you click to submit the entry. Well it's 9 in the morning the next day and i semi-defeated my artist's block. I didn't draw anything new as I hoped, but I colored one picture. I'll show that tomorrow/later today.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007 at 10:57 p.m.
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
sick / No progress
I think I'm getting sick again. I haven't started coughing and I don't feel any different, but the flem in my throat has really increased. I can't pronounce high words as much so I hope this will go away before I lose my voice again.
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Well I haven't done much considering eternal-tie even though I made a written commitment. It seeems that everytime I try to work on the layout I can't seem to put anything together. Hopefully all that will change...
Even if I've made progress, I still have a lot of work to be done. I can stick to things more, but I'm still pretty lazy.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007 at 02:21 a.m.
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Monday, March 26, 2007
Progress(art)
little girl
Just thought I'd try out kids. I've never really drawn kids so I wanted to do something different. I was watching 1 Litres and tried to draw Rika. After making the hair a little more extreme and making her clothes more grown up than kiddy, I decided that it's definately NOT her.
boy character (older)
I was working on character concepts for this manga I have yet to create and wanted to work on this prince/leader character of this tribe. He's supposed to be a teenager, but I ended up making him a bit older. I like the hair but after drawing this I feel like the prince/leader, since being part of a tribe, should have more of a natural hairstyle.
boy character
This is what I have in mind for the character now. The hair is just gonna be down now. I wanted to keep the rectangular shape of the older version, so I made the angles a bit softer to make him look younger.
Tori character
This is another character from the manga I'm working on. Her name means "bird" in Japanese. This is a futuristic manga in which plants have taken over the earth and everyone has been pushed underground/underwater. Few people like the Native Americans who have lived with a love for nature were able to adapt and work with the plants. Tori is part of one of these tribes. And if you're wondering why a Native American has a Japanese name it's because she is half Japanese and half Native American. I might even add a few more ethnic groups into the mix. I'm writing that in the future everyone is mixed and no one is purely one certain ethnicity. So when asked what's your ethnic background, you go by solely by your nationality. For example, an Irish-Filipino that grew up in Japanese culture when asked about his origin will say Japanese even if he isn't. This seems stupid but I'm thinking that even though there are people with one or two, there may be people with 10-20 different ethnic backgrounds! xD I guess in the future a common rule was set for everyone, no matter how mixed you are.
That's what I've been working on art-wise. I'm going to try to finish these or redraw some. Then I'll make lineart and color them on Photoshop. Other than that, no new news for now.
Monday, March 26, 2007 at 06:55 p.m.
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Sunday, March 25, 2007
Content
I want to write a lot. I always feel that the longer a blog entry the better the quality. But today I have nothing to say. After typing and backspacing, I realize it's better to let whatever comes out be just as it is. No matter the length, it can't be something it's not. So here's today's entry...
I'm content. I really am. Now don't confuse this with happy. I think no one is really ever happy, because everyone wants a good life. But to get a good life, you have to make sacrifices... sacrifices that you will not be happy about. So content is different from happy. But I am content.
I am content with that entry hehe...
Sunday, March 25, 2007 at 04:53 a.m. |
Friday, March 23, 2007
Generic Blog #01: for someone who's drifted farther apart
I'm going to start using generic blog entries as fillers for when I can't seem to think of what to type. These entries will have a theme that can be applied to anyone. When it comes to dating the content, these may be past entries I've written to save for another time, or just a second, consecutive entry I've written in one day. In this case it's the latter. This entry was typed after the one yesterday, but I didn't want to detract from the other entry by putting this one up a few minutes later. So here it is for today. The quoted words are what the title would have been if it weren't so... generic? The entry is for anyone who feels they are drifting apart from a close friend.
"We're close, but..."
I know we were very close. You were the one I told almost everything to. But now, we're farther away than we're used to, and our connection is fading. What I've thought before over and over again was how did this happen. I've gone through the phases, blaming myself for not talking. Blaming you for not calling. Now I've made other friends. Of course you did too. Newer bonds have grown tighter than our's. There's another person I tell almost everything to. I'm sure you have that other person as well. When it comes to her, she just might break the barrier. When it comes to you, you've never broken it. So don't force yourself to try now. I don't want you to feel an obligation here, but this is what I'm feeling. Our conversations have run dry. What used to be hours of serious but casual talk, is now nothing more than a sharing of common interests...
We're at our final withdrawl so let me leave it at this. I know we were very close, but that's no longer the case. It's hard to accept it, but that's more than okay. You won't ever admit it, but there's a feeling somewhere inside. You know we're apart, but you're also fine. You've definately grown to being without me. Now I'll have to learn to be a little more lonely.
After all, we're close, but...
Friday, March 23, 2007 at 04:12 a.m. |
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Request...
Note: this entry is a bit darker than most... well, only if you think it is. *read after the paragraph in brackets for the intended shorter entry*
I've been writing about 1 Litre of Tears, and I figure another entry wouldn't hurt... maybe even five thousand more! =P Well, my sister finished the drama today. A lot of tears came out, my sister even comparing it to as much as when our grandpa passed away just a few months ago. She cried more in the second to last episode and I, even though I was watching it with other people, couldn't hold my tears in for the last. We watched the series pretty quick, I would even say that's a record right? 11 episodes in 2 days? Actually, now that I think about it, there's probably people who have finished it all in one day.
Well I can't watch this drama without thinking more and more about my life, so this is what happened. 1 Litre Spoiler At the end of the series, Aya starts to think of what she wants to do when she dies. We hear from her that she would like to be surrounded by flowers and that she would also like to donate her body to help find a cure for the disease. Even though I've watched it several times, it only ocurred to me now that Aya probably thought about death constantly. Once she finally accepted her disease, I'm sure she looked at her future with less time in mind. Just like she learned at the disability school, Aya had to do things that worked with her time. She had to fit her schedule into death's list, and as Asumi says, "Time is never enough."
This got me thinking. Time is short, so why not plan ahead what you know you'll be thinking about eventually? I've thought of this before, and even have a "secret plan" to carry out later on this year, but once again this drama has made me reopen a lot of doors in my life. I renovated my kinder side, repaired my peaceful side, and even began demolishing my lazy side too ^__^. Hopefully this will open the door of hard working right? Well now I want to sneak into the doors I can't open... the future doors...
There are things I've joked about, like wanting 12 kids just like my grandpa, but as time goes by I find myself thinking more seriously on future topics. Maybe I really do want 12 kids. Maybe I will name them all with M's just like my mom did. Maybe I better start looking for a wife that won't mind the burden of having so many children! xP I've even joked about already saving up money for my future children! Well that's going to be a tough goal, especially with so much ayu stuff to buy! haha
But after I finish school, after I get a job, after I have marry and have 12 kids, and even after I live a long life, what will happen when I die? No joking here. At 19, I've thought about death. Maybe I'm even a bit late compared to other people. I'm sure there are some of you (or all) that have beaten me to this topic. I've never gotten too personal with anyone I've met, so this is already borderline for me. And I don't think I've said this to anyone, but if I really did say something, then I guess you're trusted to keep it private. Now, though, I have a request to make of anyone and will ask it when the time is right. Because of this I have to cross a bit to the personal side, and for those that read this then you get an advance of what is requested. Well I guess the question's simple. What will happen when I die? It's hard to even think so far ahead, or maybe I don't know how close it is, but this is what I thought. Will I be successful? Will I have 12 kids? It's all a blur right now. If only I could look back on the life I have yet to live...
[You won't know this so I'm going to write it down. Even though this is a serious topic, I'm laughing right now. This wasn't supposed to be a long entry (as a lot of my recent ones have said), but it's hard. Right now the reason that makes this entry so hard to write is because I can't seem to find a segway into the topic I had in mind. Now I'm laughing. I started to far off on a tangent that I can't seem to get to the point xP. So, I figured I'll just start over right now.]
1 Litre Semi-Spoiler Watching the end of the drama I've thought of my end. What do I want to happen when I die? This is what I've come up with. First off, I find it a bit selfish for me to think this way especially since I'm not the greatest person, but I would like to have as many people as possible at my funeral. If this isn't the case then a small, intimate one is also okay, but that's just what I'd say if I really ended up not knowing anyone. Intimate is actually code for lonely, you know... So I can't have this! I'm going to meet more people and build good friendships with them all. I've already lost so many, but when I finally put myself back into the flow of the world, I will definately make more. And when I see the friends I've made, I will have one request...
"I'll go to your funeral... if you go to mine."
That's sure to leave them puzzled! ^__^ haha! Well no explanations here but it's pretty easy to figure out. Once I directly say it is when you'll understand...
Thursday, March 22, 2007 at 04:22 a.m. |
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
POSITIVE THINKING~
My sister started to watch 1 Litre of Tears today, and she went all the way to episode 6! That's six whole hours! This is how you know a drama is good. In all but the first episode she cried, but she made up for it anyways by crying more than once in all the others. This is how you know Aya's story is touching, and the true Aya has touched all of us. Her boyfriend watched for a bit, but the subtitles were going very fast that he started getting lost. Still, I want him to watch it anyways. I also told Jansen, our renter, that he'll need to watch it. He said the story won't affect him so much because he's already heard of a lot of diseases while working as a nurse, but I want him to watch it for the good life lessons it teaches. You can call it my "secret mission"! Everyone is so busy crying for Aya that I hope they get the underlying message of being positive and living on! I can't do much to show I've changed, but I hope the small actions I work hard in will one day make me a better person when it counts the most. After all, change, even if it's just a little, is good for the bigger picture right?
The bigger picture is definately what I've been thinking of. After watching 1 Litre, I wanted so much to become a doctor specializing in neurology! I'd help find cures to diseases along side everyone else that's working so hard. I guess it's a bit childish of me right? To want to be a doctor just because of a drama? Well it's stuck with me so far. I'm sure it will fade sooner or later, but that's what I've decided now...
I thought of my other dream jobs that I've wanted for a long time, and I thought the closest one to doctor would be a teacher, since you're working with other people. You're not healing anyone, but you're helping them grow through that one year in life. But the question was what would I teach? That's another block in the road. Who would hire a teacher that failed in school? ^__^;;...
Well I guess I could teach art, and this leads to my other goal. Doing art is probably the safest choice, but is the one I'd be least likely interested in. Art used to be the only thing I did, but lately it's become a hobby second to music and piano. Besides, I'm pretty good at art, but I'm decent when compared to other potential art students out there. And I definately was never good at the art classes since I never made the deadlines on time. Took too much time on the first one... had to divide time by working on it while starting the second... these things really add up!...
Well, the only one left is the one I want the most, it also may be the hardest OR the easiest at the same time. The last dream I have is to become a singer, but you really have to put yourself out there and show what you've got. In this business it doesn't only take talent, which I think I'm average in, but it also takes confidence... ANOTHER thing I lack. So the last idea, although my favorite, is also shot down....
Jansen suggested I combine all three. That's probably even more unlikely, but I came up with a plan. I'll go to medical school while trying to make it in the music business. Then, after I graduate, I'll work even harder at the music goal while still trying to keep all the doctor stuff I learned sealed tightly in my brain. I'll get discovered, become famous, and live a happy life. Then when I've had enough of the music life, I'll go back to being a doctor and make money that way. Finally, as I retire from the medical field, I'll return to my music roots being a music teacher for a local high school (although the real plan I've kept is to actually MAKE my own school). While I'm a teacher, I'll run some art club or teach art on the side. I guess it would have to be the club because I'd need to go to school for art before I can teach it. Well that was the big plan. Probably not gonna happen like I said, but just fun to write it out.
I feel like I'm going to lose no matter what, and I'll have to stick to small temp jobs in the future. If this is the case then my bigger picture is quite tiny! Argh but all this negative talk really isn't good. If I think this way then of course I'll fail. The only thing I can do for now is think positive!
p.s. This honestly was supposed to be a positive post, but in the end I wrote too much on my reflections. This drama really has made me think so much more. I guess it's good since I haven't been using my brain for anything much... Oops! another negative thought =P
Wednesday, March 21, 2007 at 05:55 a.m. |
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Talents
I woke up late today. Around... 1:30? I guess you can say I've officially returned to the dark side, or just I've become nocturnal again, whichever one sounds cooler ^__^.
I was going to type that I didn't get much done today, but looking back I actually did a lot! So the first thing I did was open Acid and work on the B-side to my next remix release. Katherine and I had an interesting conversation about fictional characters and my remixing, so she heard this one and said it was good. I think you meant to say good SO FAR because it's far from done, but at least I know I'm on the right track. Oh and she also liked my finished remix that will be getting some final touchups before it's release, but I didn't even touch that one today so I'm not gonna talk about it. After working on the remix, I opened Finale and worked on the JEWEL sheet music. Now a certain fellow ayu fan doesn't read this, but he's been patiently (but kindly!) waiting for me to get this done. Well, after how long, I finally finished! Well sorta, I just need to write the vocal part, but the piano part is all done! After hearing the original, I started taking out a whole lot of extra I thought were in there. I'm still not sure if I missed some or if I added too many, but it's a transcription by ear so it won't ever be perfect. Ah, a good life lesson! Acceptance is the best way to move on because it's the only one that takes you forward from those situations! Well after I get the vocal on I'll post the sheet music online for download. Now for a mini-blog...
mini-blog- "Commitment ~eternal-tie version~"
First off, for those that don't know, the title parodies ayu's song "Key ~eternal-tie version~". In this case, however, the eternal-tie part has more to do with me and my friends rather than ayu so...
Recently, I've made a few small commitments to work harder in life after watching the drama 1 Litre of Tears. As Aya made me realize that my life, although lacking in activities, is full of meaning. I should be grateful that I can do so many things that others can't. I should cherish them... and work really hard on improving them. The first was the commitment to make this blog worthwhile. I'm only a few posts later but I can honestly say that this blog already means so much more than it did just a week ago. This also was a challenege to make my life worth more, and so I made a commitment to work on my talents. So, I've been working longer hours with remixing, practicing more challenging songs on the piano, playing guitar more often, doing a lot of karaoke when everyone's asleep, and just today have started drawing again (also thanks to the conversation with Katherine ^__^). I'm even thinking of adding dish washing as one of my talents since I'm so happy when I do it and I've gotten so good at that as well! Anyways, this wake up call was so fitting with it being the Lenten season and all, and it's made me look at myself more and more. Now, I think I'm finally confident enough to add one more commitment that has been waiting on the sides for quite some time now. Yes, for those that got the title, I'm going to work harder on the site that I should've put up how many months ago! I'm very sorry to everyone who's been waiting for me to get it done, I guess that includes an apology for myself, but I've written it down!... or typed it up? =P And soon enough, after several small steps, it WILL be up! Then, finally you'll all be able to see the big dreams I have with it and eternal-tie will make my life more meaningful!
~~~~~~~~~~
After working with the sheet music (=P forgot about this entry didn't you) I set aside my computer to do some piano playing. Tried out the newly created JEWEL sheets and attempted to play that hard Final Fantasy X battle theme. It didn't go to well haha. I was supposed to go to the gym and practice driving with the renters today, but she was really tired. So, we decided to continue on with the 1 Litre of Tears drama. We watched three more today and she is now at episode 9, along with 10 and 11 being the last episodes. She has been crying so much from the drama and I'm really glad it's touched her heart. After we finish all of them, I'm going to let my sister borrow the DVD so she can watch it, and after her I'll give it to anyone else I can! I want everyone to know Aya and her story!
At night, I decided to start my drawing sessions all over again. This is the first since it's been a long time since I've drawn, and it didn't go too well. I ended up playing the guitar and doing karoke more than I did draw, although I did draw one thing in the end. It was supposed to be an anime version of Rika (from 1 Litre of tears), but the clothes aren't right. So for now it's going to be just a generic drawing of a chibi girl with pigtails. It's really small and I have to work on the feet, but once it's done I'll post it up for all to see. If I'm not as lazy, I'll even try to be more serious with the line art! That way if I do color it, it won't be so messy and hard to deal with.
Well that's all for today! It's an hour after my sleeping time yesterday, so I'm bound to wake up even LATER than usual. *sigh* One day I'll permanently be on regular time for sure! Now off to bed!
~hmmm, this was supposed to be a short entry on what I did, but it ended up having so much more thoughts and reflections that I intended. Sorry again for such the long post xP~
p.s. I'm feeling a bump on the back of my ear just under the earlobe. It doesn't seem to be a pimple or anything since the bump feels like it's underneath the skin. Does anyone know what it is? Well I just didn't want to bring up such a disgusting thing in such a nice blog so I thought I'd p.s. it at the end ^__^;;
Tuesday, March 20, 2007 at 04:43 a.m. |
Monday, March 19, 2007
Good Feelings! ^__^
My sister watched several ayu videos with me, so I told her I'd wash her dishes tonight and tomorrow. The truth is, I've gotten used to washing dishes. I usually would complain especially when there's a lot, but now I reall don't mind. This is good. I don't feel like I'm doing much while my sister feels like she's getting a good deal.
I want to write more by the Nyquil is really kicking in. I guess I'm just happy that I'm used to washing. It's not that big but when I notice that I've changed even in the smallest of things, I get a really good feeling about myself... and this makes me want to change even more!
p.s. My hair is growing longer again. Now that I have a job at Great America, I'm not aloud to let it grow as long as it usually does. It's so soon but it may just be time for my new haircut. I hadn't been keeping track but the guy told us 4-5 weeks is what it'll take 'til my next haircut.
Monday, March 19, 2007 at 04:32 a.m.
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Sunday, March 18, 2007
Listen
I was starting to write a long entry, but I began to vent more than blog. Venting is good, but if you say too much it come out very hateful. It really is hurting my brain right now to resist venting, since the whole point is to get out all these thoughts and feelings stored up. I have so many thoughts running around pushing at walls in my head, but I have to keep them down. In the end, this will help me control my emotions more and I'll be closer to being a pacifist. There are many times when I'll get the urge to just yell everything out, but then I would have learned nothing. On a lighter note, another reason I'm not posting it is because I can never write properly when I'm full of emotion. There was too much passion in what I was writing that it made it hard for me to process my thoughts clearly.
Well basically what the entry was saying is how my mom and I's relationship is no longer as nice as it was for those few days. The "explosion" wasn't as big as I thought it'd be, but our relationship is just back to normal. Now this is how I started venting, so I'll end it here.
I've been making requests to everyone a lot, and here's another one. After today I thought a lot about listening and I can say without bragging that I am a good listener. However, when I talk I always have to repeat myself. Now (and for a while) I'm starting to think of myself as a broken record. I guess what I'm trying to ask is that I'm sure others feel this way, even you sometimes when you're nott being heard as much as you'd like, so when you're the listener in a conversation, remember how it feels to be ignored and give all your attention to that person! Then they'll recognize how well you listened to them and will definately do the same for you. If we ever talk to each other that's what I'd do!
That's all for now!
Sunday, March 18, 2007 at 03:59 a.m. |
Friday, March 16, 2007
What happens next?
Today was another good day! I'm very glad, but I'm a bit worried. This is what you'd call the "calm before the storm" right? Usually when too many things go right, that means we're gonna hit a bump in the road. I hope it's not too big.My sister and I have been getting along very well. I'm even going to go on her Guest Pass to the gym! And Katherine, my sister can hold up to 10 people on her card so whenever we hang out I'll ask my sister if she can take all of us on a gym trip! ^__^ But that's not all. Usually when I have a good relationship with one person, there's always someone else I'm arguing with. Now, that's not the case because my mom and I have been doing well also. Me and her both haven't been complaining and it's becoming easier to not argue in the house. With all this niceness going on, especially with my sister AND mom, I hope it's not going to be too huge.
Tomorrow I'm going to have training at Great America. I'm kinda nervous since this is all going to my first job, but I'll try my best! This is all for the job that'll get me money! Well I'm gonna have to wake up extra early tomorrow to get ready. My alarm is always set to 10:30, but I usually turn it off and sleep til 12 xP. I'll definately stay awake at 10 this time! I only need to shave tomorrow (since i'm in the Foods department I'm guessing I'll have to shave my mustache off) and it doesn't start til 4 in the afternoon, but I want to make sure I have enough time to shake off these nerves. I mean, it's 4-7... how much training will there be???
That's all for today. Not too long right? ^__^ I need to go to sleep because I'm waking up early to make orange juice for my mom. We ran out so I'll be busting out that electric juicer we bought a while ago. I set two alarms on my phone. One at 10:30 for the job training, the other way earlier at 5:30 for the juice... so goodnight all!
Friday, March 16, 2007 at 02:58 a.m. |
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Lent
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent
We are in Lent right now. During this time we set aside time for ourselves to reflect on how we are as a person. We also try to give up things for 40(46) days.
Let's start with the giving up. As a kid I never really gave up anything serious, but the past few Lents I've given up soda, sweets, and meat. Considering the last one, up until now I always knew that we aren't supposed to eat meat on Fridays and I thought my mom said we can't eat meat the entire Lent once we reach 18+. Apparantly I was wrong since my mom says she still eats meat every day except Friday. I don't really know what day we're on, but after my mom corrected my "religious beliefs" I was really upset that I've given up meat for no good reason. But after a while, I started to think it was pretty amazing. My mom pointed out that I had given up meat two times before already and this would be my third. I remember giving up soda and she told me it was last year. Now, I've jumped right out of my sad attitude and went into competition mode! If I gave up meat AND soda during the last Lent, I cannot be outdone this time! So, although we may even be halfway done with the Lent season I just need to come up with more to give up. Well right now I can't think of anything but those two, so I guess it will be whatever I can come up with next, even if i was just joking or something, whatever's next in line I'll give it up for Lent!
Now for the reflection. This part of Lent I RARELY do. But during this break from school, this Lent season, and watching the show 1 Litre of Tears, I've been really thinking about myself and who I am. With what I'm giving up for Lent combined with my experience at the gym... you can even add in my diet from the year before, I've really noticed that I can be very determined if my heart is in it. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but what I'm trying to say is that I drive myself more on my passions then on what's required. If I love what I'm doing, I will do anything to finish my goal.
p.s. where should my cliques go? I've added a few (not as many as I'd like though) and want to know where they should be on the layout. On the side where they are now? Below all across the bottom? Or Below maxing at the width of the picture?
Thursday, March 15, 2007 at 04:42 a.m. |
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
nice and comfortable
I've been writing extremely long entries so I'll try to make this as short as possible. I also don't have much to say ^__^;;... so let's call this the "off my day" entry (or "my off day" according to Katherine).
*edit*it ended up being longer than it should xP
Today was an overall nice day. Nothing went wrong and everything was pleasant. I wouldn't say well/good (can't remember correct grammar) because it wasn't spectacularly happy but just nice. There were different things that I noticed.
-I remembered to vacuum the family room as I promised my mom, and even did extra cleaning with the Windex, Pledge, and bacteria wipes. At first like everyone I'm a little reluctant to start any household chore, but when I've settled into what I'm doing, I develop a will to work hard and carry on. This even happens when washing the dishes. Towards the middle of my work I end up feeling at peace with what I'm doing. It's a very nice feeling to be happy while working, you don't complain and you want to do more! If you work hard you feel good!
-My sister and I had a casual conversation. This time it was her turn to go to the gym (with her friends not the renteres) so she asked to borrow my CD player, but I warned her that the headphones' cord is too short. She told me that she really couldn't workout without music so I still lent it too her anyway. We figured that if she's conscious about the cord then she will automatically not jerk the headphones as much. Later that night she asked to eat my cereal and we had another casual talk with lightly but not too serious topics. I found that when I'm most comfortable I can speak with more pure honesty. When I'm too concerned of what I'll say in a conversation, I keep myself in check and always try to say the right thing. But when I'm in a comfortable setting, I can say what I want and how I'm feeling while still genuinely sounding nice. That's what I mean by pure honesty. To be able to say what you're thinking and how you feel without it being misinterpreted. Because when I am not in a good mood and am not comfortable around the people I'm talking too, what I'm feeling and my honesty can sound hurtful and careless to the other person. If you can remember your good mood, then you'll be nicer to everyone around you! (I guess that means I should clean or wash the dishes before getting into conversations xP)
-When my mom came home, she was in her usual tired mood, and I was starting to get a bit annoyed. She complained about no one eating the food and how there was meat that still needed to be cooked. I don't remember what I said, but it wasn't anything negative as I usually do when fed up with the complaints. Anyhow, it didn't get her in as big of a positive mood as she was in yesterday, but it didn't drop to just plain grouchy either. I guess that when my mom comes home, it's up to the family to relieve her stress and make her feel comfortable. We all have our problems, but our's are definately more selfish than my mom's. She works hard and has many problems at work only because she's working hard for us. Any problems I have can't compare to her's since I'm only worried about myself. So, when she's home, we have to let her know that her family is always there to help out even for just a little and to lift her spirits! I'll still try to keep my promise and be less irritated with my mom whenever I can! If you're nice to everyone, then everyone is in a good mood!
-The renters want wireless internet! And we're clueless on how to do that haha... So the solution is to get them to figure it out! Efren and Jansen are both smarter with computers than I am when it comes to setting up things like wireless internet, so I let them do whatever they wanted with the computer to get the wireless working. They started around 10:30 p.m. and worked till 1 in the morning. They weren't lucky. It was funny though because while they were working on the computer, Jeny and I were distracting them. Jeny would say things like "If Marlon and I were fixing it, we would be done in one second". Then I would add in, "But you've all been working so hard and we don't wanna take the victory from you guys anymore... plus, we charge by the millisecond so it would cost you 1000 dollars"... funny stuff. Jeny also looked through my baby pictures and said that I really don't look anything like that anymore. She even commented on how I look like my dad now. I told her how it's funny that when I was little, I looked like my uncle on the Panag side, but now I've grown and switched to the Datu family's side! After the pictures I taught her some ParaPara sign language (Katherine, do you know what's "Go" or "Me" in ParaPara still? Oh I forgot to show her "Baby"!) and of course, I couldn't finish the day without showing them ayu posters and her calendars. Well this paragraph, and actually the whole entry, is getting too long for what I'm trying to say. I noticed that our new renters have really helped make us feel comfortable in our house. I guess that's a weird thing to say for everyone else, but whenever there's new people moving in, I always feel a bit awkward staying under the same roof. This isn't the case with these people, although Jeny sometimes makes fun a bit more than I would like as a pacifist =P. They are very nice people! If you're nice to me, then I'm comfortable around you.
Now let's take all these bolded words and try to live them to the fullest! Work hard and be in a good mood. Remember your good mood and be nice to everyone. Then, everyone will be in a good mood and will be nice to everyone else, and we'll finally live in a more comfortable world! The chain can go on... but it has to start somewhere. So if someone bugs you, try to make the feel better!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007 at 02:52 a.m. |
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Driving lessons
note: This was written at 5:44 in the morning but I didn't post it until later today since I wasn't connected to the internet when it was written. I've changed the time though in the entry but if you checked the site earlier then this is the reason.
Our new renters are very nice people. They have taken me to the gym so I can work out, and took me out to eat so I could waste what I did at the gym! ^__^ Today, they took me for a drive. When one of the new renters (Jeny) got back from work, she offered to start teaching me how to drive so I can finally get my license. She told my mom she'll teach me since my mom was about to hire someone. "Don't waste your money!" is what she said. Well I got ready and we went to an open area in Berryessa.
I really need more practice! She is a great teacher and was making sure I drove as best as I could, but I still knew I was doing horrible. When we were in the residential area, I got really nervous with all the cars around us. One time, at a stoplight, there was a car behind us. It was waiting for me to go so I pressed down hard on the gas pedal and the car jerked forward! It was very embarrassing to have to stop and go out of the way. When we returned home my sister asked Jeny how I did. She said that I did good, but of course I knew that I really did... stupid! XD
My mom came home and I told her about our drive. She was very happy and gave words of encouragement. We had some talk about automatic or manual and how stick shift is cheaper (is that the correct spelling). I said if I ever were to learn stick shift then I'll get it since it will save us money haha. She then said more words of encouragement, we even did the "fight!" fist gesture hehe.
I notice that my mom and I can really get along when we are both in a good mood. I guess that can be said for anyone but these moments are very rare for us. Usually she will come home from a day at work filled with so much drama and would tell me every detail, but I rarely like to listen. She'd also complain a lot and I'd get very annoyed. Yesterday she was saying that she has to clean the whole house and she won't even have time to get to her room. I told her that if she wants to clean her room then she should start there first. But the whole house is messy and as a hard-working mom she would put her needs aside to help others. Although I'm trying to be a pacifist, I have a strong desire to win in conversations. So I answered back with "Well if you want help you just need to ask. And maybe, if you're not complaining as much, people would WANT to help you". I do think these words are true. If you're happy then everyone else is happy. Well she complained more and took me up on my offer telling me to put the blanket that I was using away. Even if I was using it, she said I always look like I'm about to go to sleep. I got very irritated and hid myself under the blanket. I figured if I can only use it when I'm sleeping then I'll look like I'm sleeping (very immature xP). It wasn't long though that she left for this fundraiser concert with this prayer group.
I was really glad she left because I knew I would have said so much more if she had stayed, and not being able to say anything to her made me really think things through. I figured that my mom always says this house is messy, but the one thing she really wants is for people to be more willing to help, but of course this clashes with my feelings that help should be given to those who are positive. Anyway, I think that the real reason I argue so much is because I want people to listen. I always feel that no one stands next to me. Whenever I'm in a conversation, everyone is always on the other side of the line. If that's the case, then I will argue as much as I can until someone takes my advice. This is true and justifies my actions, but in the end I had to bend the finger back at me. My mom isn't trying to be more peaceful and nicer to others so she has done nothing wrong, and even though she complains a lot and expects everyone to work for her, she deserves it with all the hard work she does to keep us in a house. On the other hand, I stir up an argument just because I feel no one listens, AND I've taken up the nickname of "modern-day hippie"? My math doesn't add up. Well since both of us are wrong and right... in our own right, one side must yeild a bit more to the other. Since I'm the one who's striving to do so, I've given myself the losing hand...
Well I folded my blankets (I had three) and not only did that, but went the extra mile to store them upstairs (I sleep downstairs... and I guess going upstairs is more like the extra yard ^__^;). I felt happy after doing it since it wasn't that much to ask of me. I didn't see my mom afterwards but I could tell she noticed because today I was asked to vacuum the family room! Ay... what did I get myself into haha. Well I hope I remember to do it. REMEMBER MARLON REMEMBER! I guess in the end I yielded to my mom and am trying to help her out more, but she has also yielded to me, maybe even without noticing. When I can do the little things around the house, it keeps her mood bright and happy, and we can have conversations in which she listens to me as well. I really do prefer the conversations with her about driving over her drama at work. So if I can keep my end of the bargain, I will get the listening I've wanted from my mom. Well I feel like this with everyone most of the time, so if there's something you would want me to do then please ask and I'll try! I want to make everyone happy, but please, everyone, listen to me more too!
To end on a lighter/longer note, the other new renter (Jansen) and I went out at 1:30 in the morning looking for food. Not for us though for Jeny. I didn't have to go but I wanted to tag along since I don't go out much hehe. We went to this one pho place that closes at 2 (we got there at 1:55) and he ordered something. I asked him what would happen if she didn't like it, he said that she'll pretend to like it but in the end she won't eat it. I thought What a great compromise! haha. When we were just at the house, since he knows I'm learning to drive, he tried to teach me stick shift and wanted me to drive down the street. I ultimately refused since I couldn't even drive properly and can't handle the new task to work the clutch and stick. Well I didn't have to! I was saved... for Jeny was waiting for her food for quite some time =P. Just next time we go out at 1:30 in the morning I'll have to be a better driver. Luckily that doesn't happen much!
p.s. I've told my sister and the new renter about 1 Litre of Tears. They both have told me they will watch it when I burn it for them. I'm so excited that more people will watch this drama! The story is very touching and personal. You can really see how a family can stay strong together through anything! Everyone, please watch it if you can!
Tuesday, March 13, 2007 at 05:44 a.m. |
Monday, March 12, 2007
1 Litre of Tears (Ichi Rittoru no Namida)
*Katherine and Jaymee don't read the 1 Litre of Tears portion of this entry since that's the drama I want you to watch. I guess you can only read the first part.*
Spinocerebellar Ataxia/Degeneration/Atrophy
Clinical Findings - Presenting features include gait problems, speech difficulties, clumsiness, and, often, visual blurring and diplopia. Progressive ataxia, hyperreflexia, nystagmus, and dysarthria occur early in the disease. As the disease evolves, ambulation becomes increasingly difficult. Later, evidence of a peripheral polyneuropathy appears with loss of distal sensation, loss of the ankle reflex and sometimes other reflexes as well, and some degree of muscle wasting. Late in the disease, patients are chair bound and have severe dysarthria, dysphagia, facial and temporal atrophy, and poor cough, often dystonic posturings and ophthalmoparesis, and occasionally blepharospasm. Severe ataxia of limbs and gait, either with hyperreflexia or areflexia, associated with muscle wasting is observed. Sitting posture is compromised, with patients assuming various tilted positions.
Treatment Notes - There are no available treatments for spinocerebellar ataxia. Although the actual cause of the disease is unknown in many patients, it has been recognized as a complication of celiac disease (syndrome characterized by sensitivity to gluten).
Progression: Disease progresses relentlessly and death occurs from six to 29 years after onset.
for more information visit NMDInfo.net
Another thing to be aware of is that this disease only affects the nerves that move the body, so there isn't anything wrong with the mental. This part of the disease makes it even more tragic that it seems. When the mind will tell the body to do something, nothing would happen. So even if the body doesn't move, the mind is still aware of its condition.
1 Rittoru no Namida / 1 Litre of Tears ~the book~
Aya Kitou (July 19, 1962 - May 23, 1988) was a girl diagnosed at the age of 15 with the above illness.
from Wikipedia - She kept writing in her diary to remember her experiences until she could no longer hold a pen. Aya simply wished to live until the end of her life, and the purpose of writing in the diary was to remind herself to not give up. She shed tears many times, at the same time encompassed by the rich love and support from her family and friends. Her diary 1 Litre of Tears was published shortly before her death [at the age of 25]. It encouraged many people, healthy or diseased, because of its inspiring and courageous messages. As Aya wrote, "Just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing."
-the book became a bestseller and has sold over 1.1 million copies in Japan (and when I've found a copy here, even if I can't read the Japanese text, I'll buy it for Aya... she has strengthened my path for peace)
-to read translations of the book, two people on Xanga took up the work to make Aya's words known to the world. Now they've stopped translating, but another site on Blogspot has continued the job.
1 Rittoru no Namida / 1 Litre of Tears ~the drama~
The drama of 1 Litre of Tears is based on the book with the same name.
Synopsis 1 from DramaWiki - 15-year-old Ikeuchi Aya was an ordinary girl, the daughter of a family who works at a tofu shop, and a soon-to-be high schooler. However, odd things have been happening to Aya lately. She has been falling down often and walks strange. Her mother, Shioka, takes Aya to see the doctor, and he informs Shioka that Aya has spinocerebellar degeneration - a terrible disease where the cerebellum of the brain gradually deteriorates to the point where the victim cannot walk, speak, write, or eat. A cruel disease, as it does not affect the mind in the least. How will Aya react when told about her disease? And how will Aya live from now on?
-you can watch the videos on YouTube, or you can download fansubs by Kioku Konseki
-an upcoming special is said to be released on April 5th and will focus on Aya's sister in nursing school and Aya's love interest Haruto as a doctor (will take place half a year after Aya's death but will have new scenes during Aya's lifetime)
What I've taken from 1 Litre of Tears
After downloading the soundtrack by the recommendation of its slow orchestral songs, I decided to do research on the drama itself. I figured that since I'm listening to the music I might as well know about the drama it comes from (I have yet to do that for Suzuka though!). This was when I discovered the true story of Aya Kitou and found more information on spinocerebellar atrophy. I read the first few entries of her Diary and decided to watch the drama...
I cried every episode... and that is not an overstatement!
"Why did this disease choose me?"
I'm sure even without watching the drama you can feel for anyone with this disease. It's made me realize that what we take for granted, they take as a blessing. In Aya's case, while watching the drama, I sometimes wished it were me who had gotten this disease instead of her. Aya, who tried her best at everything, got an illness. As for me, someone who has given up countless times already, I've gotten more than I deserve. I would think If I were God, I would weigh priorities between humans. If I had to give a disease to someone, let it go to the one who hasn't been punished for their actions. The humans that are the nicest and work hard in life will reap the rewards. Give me the disease since I already am sitting around the house all day and let someone like Aya have his or her life back.
But these thoughts always lead to a conclusion. Going back to what I've been taught in my faith, God has a reason for everything. When I think of who He chooses for the disease, I can see the reason. I would've given up on life very easily, but Aya was a person who wouldn't give up. When she was given this disease, she fought strongly with it... and in turn people found more worth in their lives. She passed away, but her life can also be passed on through all of us and we can be a bit more stronger. Now, with second chance just ahead, I know the worth of all my abilities. Every step I walk will be for Aya. My hands, typing on the computer, drawing a picture, or playing on the piano, will work twice as hard for Aya. I will try to speak with only kindness and selflessness for Aya. Oh, and I'll make every food I eat seem twice as yummy! ^__^
If God had to pick someone for this disease, I'm grateful Aya was strong enough to save all of us.
~plus~...
"Live on."
I finished the series today and took this phrase from the last episode. It sums up what Aya Ikeuchi and Aya Kitou have done with their lives. There were many times they looked back on their past, but they knew it was impoartant to move forward. I can't help but think of the past, but no matter what I do or how many times I wish, I can't change it either. I must learn to be happy with who I am today, after all, the past is what made me this way right? Even if I have fallen, I can get up. I will pick up all the pieces that are left for me and choose any path I am given.
Finally, I wanted to end it with the last quotes from Aya, but my computer has begun to freeze up. I guess it's telling me to go to bed, it's past 3 after all. So I will put it up another day...
In the end, a year after Aya's death, the mom writes a letter to Aya. I haven't written in a while, so once I've collected my thoughts and what to say, I may just pick up a pen and write to her.
Monday, March 12, 2007 at 03:06 a.m. |
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Commitment
it took a while (and who knows if this is genuine) but finally it was inspiration who reminded me how lucky i am to be able to just fiddle with the laptop and instantly have a part of my life kept safe in the world. somewhere i already knew this but didn't want to admit a few facts. i can write but i lazily choose not to. even then i can type but i also chose not to. i would counter by saying my activities have dropped to a complete zero, but now i know that any journal is more meaningful not when you write about just what you did, but also what you've thought during the day. so no matter what, even when i've done nothing the entire day, i'm going to commit myself to this. then when i'm doubting myself, i can look back and see that my life was worth more than i thought.
p.s. the next post will have the new layout
Sunday, March 11, 2007 at 12:54 a.m.
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